Auntie Molly

Sometime in my late childhood
I am taken to see Auntie Molly
My father whispers before we go in,
Play yer cards right
And she may leave us
Something in her will

Auntie Molly is small
She has my father's tightly-curled hair
For she is his father's only sister.
Her face is all pink with hives
She has shingles, which she says
Is very painful, especially the headaches.

Auntie Molly is perceptive and wise
She notices that I am quiet
As if that were a bad thing
Auntie Molly is practical and kind
The photo of dead Uncle in his Army uniform
Hangs sadly above the rich mantlepiece

She tells me about a dream that she has had.
Little soldiers with swollen heads
Keep coming and coming
Not threatening, but just staying there.
She says, what does this mean?
She asks me to interpret!

I say, the soldiers are the germs
The ones that are giving you the headaches.
She says, am I going to die
I say, well, they are not threatening
She says, am I going to get better
I say, well, they're not going away

My father is displeased
Auntie Molly unsatisfied
But she gives me a little bracelet
Before we leave

She dies a month later
I don't know the cause
And she leaves my father
A thousand pounds in her will

Fat Slag Val

Fat slag Val
Flirts with my husband
And makes outrageous passes
But ‘It’s only the drink’
Or ‘She’s like that with everyone’

And she’s sorry
It will never ever happen again
Not until the next time

Flat slag Val
Has been caught holding hands
With my husband
But they’re not fucking, oh no
I ask him never to see her again

And he’s sorry
It will never ever happen again
Not until the next time

Fat Slag Val
Has stolen my husband
She can’t resist a gloat
Even her friends think she’s a shit
And they tell her so

So she’s sorry
It will never ever happen again
Not until the next time

Fat slag Val
Boasts of hundreds of friends
Myself and her husband think hundreds of shags
Perhaps she will be faithful to him
But strangely, these ‘friends’ keep turning up...

Surely
It will never ever happen again?
Oh no, not until the next time

(Based on The Smith’s ‘Hooligan’)